This month's "Getting Old Isn't Funny!" . . . . . . .Or is it?

Entered on March 15, 2025:  Could this have happened to you?

My wife wants me to wear a bracelet that belonged to her grandfather. It says "Do Not Resuscitate."

It's been months since I bought the book, “How To Scam People Online.”  It still hasn't arrived yet.

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

If your palm itches, you are going to get something.  If your crotch itches, you've already got it.

My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday.

My wife said, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for dessert!  Doesn't it embarrass you?"  I said, "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian, where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

Being old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go too.

I now know how it will all end for me; one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people, please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living."  The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I met my wife at a single's night.  I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.

I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation."  We're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Entered on May 1, 2020:

When I am an Old Woman

I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves,

and satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired,

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,

And run my stick along the public railings

And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick the flowers in other people's gardens

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and a pickle for a week,

And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street,

And set a good example for the children.

We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple.

********************************

 

A Poem for 80-year-olds

Though I’d let my doctor check me

‘Cause I didn’t feel quite right;

All those aches and pains annoyed me

And I couldn’t sleep at night.

 

He could find no real disorder,

But he wouldn’t let it rest;

What with Medicare and Blue Cross,

It wouldn’t hurt to do some test.

 

To the hospital he sent me

Though I didn’t feel that bad;

He arranged for them to give me

Every test that could be had.

 

I was Fluoroscoped and Cystoscoped,

My aging frame displayed;

Striped upon an ice-cold table

While my gizzards were X-rayed.

 

I was checked for worms and parasites,

For fungus and the crud;

While they pierced me with long needles

Taking samples of my blood.

 

Doctors came to check me over,

Probed and pushed and poked around;

And to make sure I was living

They wired me for sound.

 

They have finally concluded

Their results have filled a page;

What I have will someday kill me,

My affliction is just OLD AGE!

 

Some Senior Humor 
 

 

 

Everything is further away that it used to be.

It is twice as far to the corner, and I notice that they've added a hill.

I've given up running for the bus; it leaves faster than it used to.

It seems they're making the stairs steeper than in the old days, too.

And have you noticed the smaller print they now use in the newspaper?

There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud - everyone speaks in such low voices I an hardly hear them.

The material in clothes made today -- so skimpy now -- especially around the waist.

It's almost impossible to reach my shoelaces and I can't figure out why.

Even people are changing.  They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  I ran across an old classmate the other day, and he had aged so badly he didn't even recognize me!!!

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

Remember when drinking beer was a whole lot of fun?  Maybe for you it still is!  At any rate, for real beer "affionadoes" when something terrible happens to your beer, it can be a maddening situation.

Here is a video of serious BEER TRAGEDIES

(PARDON THE ROUGH LANGUAGE; THE NARRATOR IS AN AUSSIE:

CLICK ON THE "COMMENTARY ON TRAGIC BEER DEATHS" BELOW AND WAIT A FEW SECONDS FOR THE VIDEO TO LOAD.

You're editing this          commentary on tragic beer deaths.__.mp47 MB   Save to OneDrive - Personal Saved to OneDrive - Personal   Can         Cancel Download Pending... 7 MB

Old Is When...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy....  

And your pacemaker opens the garage door!